Wednesday, January 23


I opened my laptop just now knowing that I'm about to write something about myself to myself. I've been absent in my blogging, but also absentminded. I need to place a hold on the sports and start blogging again. It's just that my rationale that allows me to appropriate more of my time towards sore and restless legs than to a restless mind. The latter seems puts me in more danger; trust me, I've tried both. I've been hanging this post over my head for the a long time, inhibiting my creative juices. It's probably been longer than that, even before the passing of my Moms.

As of lately, I've been thinking of a word -- undeserving. I learned about survivor's guilt a couple years back. Look it up if you don't know. Knowing about my mom's situation, I knew I could possibly fall victim to the condition. I've stopped asking why her and not me. She would've made much more of a difference on this Earth than I could ever. That's not here nor there, anymore. Just know that I'm not afraid to die anymore. I used to say that loosely, but I'm ready when it does happen. Am I just filling time? For this, and other reasons, I am undeserving. Humility and compassion are two characteristics that I emphasize the most, to others and to myself. It is my life's goal to pass down all the love that my Mom showed and would've been able to show everyone. I'll never be as generous, but I'm trying. I don't know why I've been given so many luxuries in life. That's me. I try to be a good person to justify it, as if doing good deeds, like paying for a friend's meal, somehow shows gratitude to God and all those who have shown me love. Sometimes I'm not a good person. There are better people out there more worthy than me with less. I can sit here and type out my "why's" and my incomprehension or I can suck it up and make a difference. More and more often, I think about donating everything I have to live a minimalist lifestyle. I'm already, sort of doing that. But how can I say that when I just closed on a house, I don't have any debts besides my newly acquired mortgage, I can afford the things I need and most thing I want, my car, although old, I own, and it never seems that I ever ask for help. It seems that I've been given the cheat sheet to financial success and what some would say happiness. How was this divided? Why was I overly blessed? What am I going to do with all these blessings? I don't know who else to talk to this about. Can the overpriviledged complain? And why does Microsoft Word believe that overprivileged isn't a word but underprivileged is? So, is everyone who isn't underprivileged just privilege and there isn't some sort of limit to it? Are you telling me a word processor is telling me that I should collect my chips and not question where/whom it came from? Fcuk you Microsoft Word. Then I realize, they're just things. I've been given things. What matters in life? Are we supposed to really be gathering achievements? What's another notch on your belt if you only ever utilize one? There is a difference between not having everything and not wanting everything. Although both describe me, I'm more partial to being satisfied with what I have. Maybe I have these things and am granted these privileges so that I can find the root meaning of life. Sometimes people have to lose it all to find that meaning. I've lost my Moms, that was my all. They say people who have nothing to lose are more dangerous. They never say that you can always lose more of yourself, whether wealthy, rich, or penniless. I lose, I assess, but there are no insurances for me to get me back. After many failed experiments, I realize the only way to do that is to give back and make a difference. I don't mean the cliche action of monetary donations. That isn't the best method towards gratification. I mean in the way that I show patience to a child to relieve their hopelessness. I mean in the way to teach someone a trade/skill that'll show them worth. I mean in any way possible that makes life feel less serious and money less important. I'll gain so much more of myself that way than I could ever with the "luxuries" I both been given and have worked for. The things I've been granted aren't rewards for what I've done and who I am, but rather they are the tools that I can utilize to make the lives of others better, so very very indirectly. I know the score; I know how much I'm up by. I haven't won yet. I don't deserve a win; I deserve, even prefer, the struggle. If the struggle is what I want and what I am getting, then I am winning, and undeserving.

Post Script: My Moms always said that the only reason we are on this Earth to help one another, that's it. That's our life's purpose. From that, we should show gratitude, humility, and compassion whilst always having faith.