Saturday, December 31

To: Humans of New York or Nola Beings

Squeezing one more post before the year ends. Be cautioned, I'm not as interesting as other people.

I've always wondered what I would say if I was ever approached by "Humans of New York" or my local "Nola Beings." I think I'd start with all of the things I could've been in life, professional or career wise. Seems like that's what people talk about at this point in my life. "What do you do?" says everyone who I meet or haven't seen in awhile. I could respond by saying what I could be doing. My capability to work in multiple fields are endless, and I'm very confident in that. I could've excelled at being a salesman, mechanic, pharmacist, computer programmer, realtor, banker, etc. I couldn't, however, work in the medical field; hospitals and sick people make me nauseous and pulls my heart strings too much for my liking. I could've been so many other things, but I'm getting older - 27 years old. I know that is not too old, but looking around, it's not too young either. Everyone around me has already started their career, fallen in love, is/almost married, and starting their own family. I'm so far from any of those. I'm not regretting anything I've done or am doing thus far, even though it sounds like it. I start a new job beginning of the year, but I feel like I'm settling. I'm good at what I do and it doesn't frustrated me, so I should be okay with it. I'm not too concerned about where I am in life, thanks to Tap. The thing that runs in my head the most is what I SHOULD be doing or want to be doing - acting. That's a real career choice I'd enjoy. Ever since high school, I wanted to become an actor. My mom would've put me through it, my dad wouldn't have it, and I was afraid of it. Everyone else says it's not plausible in the real world, it's for a selected few. No one really thinks of it as a real career choice, especially considering the fact that I'm Asian and there is already an nondemand for our race. I wouldn't care what other would think, but this is when my age kicks in. I'm not straight out of high school anymore. There are bills to pay and the future to invest in. There isn't much more room to become a struggling actor for God knows how long. I have actor friends who live uncomfortably. Some work minimum wage jobs so they can be flexible in case their break comes through. It's a really rough, whole other lifestyle. I am not primed for that anymore, and I've been granted some luxuries in life that I don't know I could do without. I struggle with the fact of struggling as well. Money isn't really high ranking on the things needed in life, but it is convenient and quintessential. Also, you know how hard it is to find a fiance while declaring that you're an out of work actor. Tick Tick. I've had so many dreams, literally, of being an actor. There are sets and blocking that I've been on during my deep sleep. Maybe I should have majored in film to begin with, just to get my foot in the door. I'd more than likely be starting down the wrong street from an opening door. It hurts you know, not knowing if you're good enough to do the thing you'd love. There are so many repressed emotions from my parents, ex-lovers, and failures that could be characterize as beneficial muses. That's where I'm at, having more and more suffocating dreams of becoming the next Philip Seymour Hoffman. I'm only a few steps form saying, fcuk it all and go into it while crippling my future. Maybe I'll change my mind when they actually approach me. In the mean time, I'm on my way to celebrate the New Year where one of my repressed emotions may be present. Wish me luck, and Happy New Years.

Thursday, December 1

Sometimes

Sometimes, I forget why I watch movies or read anything thought provoking. Sometimes, I analyze literature too literally and movies too technically. The ill-equipped critic in me comes forth and washes out my emotions. That is until something moves me, and I'm sure that is the case with many of us. We live our lives routinely looking for something beyond this world to believe in. Our hearts are broken and all we want is to be loved again. I believe that it has to do less with acceptance than attaining a mutual likeness. There's a type of contentment that ruins our soul's journey. Frankly, I don't know how to reverse our emotional slumps or comfortability, because I've lived there more than anyone should ever. Sometimes, I watch 5 or so movies in the last 2 or 3 days, as I've just done. Sometimes, I stop movie watching for weeks, especially due to those really heavily dramatic, foreign cultured, or mind fcuking cult ones.Whatever the case, they don't have to all have a 90%+ on Rotten Tomatoes or have an Academy nomination to do me in, although preferred. Trust me, I've watched some really bad, cheesy movies and others that make me question the honesty of the Rotten Tomato and IMDB critics. The movie "5 to 7" brought me here today. I won't talk about it much, but I liked it very much, having watched it because the recent death of Anton Yelchin. He has such an easy, welcoming voice, especially through voice-over. I would like to say that the movie needed me as much as I needed that movie, a mutual likeness. It's true that, "As little as you want to write when you're happy, that's now much you have write when you're miserable. Your passions need to go somewhere, and this is the only place left." I fairly certain that the person who wrote the movie was/is partially miserable. I'm not writing this out of misery, as I often do, but out of hope that misery sometimes conceives. My librarian once told me that people believe that the emotions they are feeling have never been felt and couldn't be understood, but there are so many books to be read that mimic their same sentiments. Now that is not verbatim, hence no quotations, but I hope I did her justice because it's everything true. I don't have to find a solution through the medium that I'm reading or watching. I just like to find out that someone else has been in my position and survived long enough to makes something beautiful out of it, SOMETIMES.