Sunday, March 27

A Complication for the Ages

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about blogging. Thinking doesn't always amount to much as you can see with my inactiveness. I've thought about this blog more and more because it is, believe it or not, my 100th blog. Originally, I wanted to do a compilation of blogs, one in each label that you can see on the right hand side of this page. I.e. Brave New Voices. It didn't go THAT well.. However, I did  pull myself together to write another Novella, the last one being in January of 2011. Oh, how the time has flown and how the blogs tallied. 100 blogs down and here's to another 100 more, circa 2031. "Cento Anni" as they would say in The Godfather. Blogging takes a lot out of me, this one especially. I'm going through some things, but everyone is. I hate to complain, unless it's in the form of a blog/novella. So, I hope you enjoy it as much as it took for me to write it. Happy Easter guys. 

Let me start by saying, "I love you." As I sit across from you, all I can think about is how much of a lesser man that I've become. I wasn't always this way. Before, I would have easily came over and spoke to you, never quite the quiet one, you know? This is coming from a man that has let life beat him down. You know how hard it is when a part of me wishes I had a part to give. My heart is apart; my soul has just gone dark as shit. The reserve for romance has been emptied and every ounce of courage I've ever had was followed by a chaser. See, I'm not good for you. There's nothing for me to offer you but my dependence and rhymes with cheap punchlines, and you don't want that.

Undoubtedly, you were my first love. However, since then, I've used a lot of "first." I've experience my first date, first heartbreak, first sexual encounter, first time asking for someone back just to experience another heartbreak, etc. You see where I'm going here? These events take quite a toll on a person. It doesn't help that since I assumed that you were gone for good that I'd figure to replace you with this alcohol addiction. A closet drinker they call me. When my wine bottle is empty, I have enough regrets and disappointments to fill every cellar in the northern hemisphere. I'll sit here dormant, knowing that this is the way I chose to love you.

I grow tiresome of thinking about it, you know, the person I could have been for you, getting caught up in the would have beens. Ever watch a battery powered quartz clock right before it dies, how it jumps back a second? That's my life, pretending to move forward only to look back from time to time. I'm a secondhand of the second hand. Just the other day, I  researched nostalgic depression. That's what my life has amount to, seeking online advice from educated strangers who know nothing of passion and turn people into objectives. I've never liked those people, especially doctors who can remove themselves emotionally to do their job. Maybe I'm just envious. I'm envious of the person I used to be, envious of whom I can't be, and envious of what I can't do, like get up from this chair and approach you like we've met before. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever known. 

I cannot even look you directly in yours eyes anymore. It's my cowardice that prompts this self loathing. I used to give speeches and shit in front of crowds and shit. I did spoken word without remorse about my love life to complete strangers and even others who knew whom I wrote about. For fuck sake, I was stage actor for a brief moment in time. Presently, I'm just spent, not someone you'd be especially proud of. I don't need any more reasons to love you. And just now, you just gave me a look of disappointment, like you wanted me to come closer. See, this is what I get! The moment I want to be ballsy and raise my head to eye level, you deliver a blow to my confidence, but also a sliver of hope.

Not knowing which one it truly is, I start to notice something. It's you. The whole time, it has been you. I've been so stagnant in my frivolous thoughts that I didn't allocate the time to notice the sadness within you. It's that face you give when you've lost all hope. Be it as I am, I still haven't lost all hope. So, your condition is beyond me. How selfish I've been. The time I've just wasted complaining when you haven't. I don't know what happened in your past, but it seems to be eating you from inside and still you we're waiting for me to look up. You were waiting for me to come over; you were awaiting my arrival to begin with. It wasn't a coincidence that I'm here with you. It isn't a random, but more so planned. I'm here for a reason; you're here for a reason. We're here because of a complication, something we both couldn't fix. I'm sorry! I didn't know. I didn't know that you would've accepted anything that I had to offer. I didn't know that I was enough for you and everything for you to be proud of. I didn't know you knew I was hurt and you prayed for me. I didn't know of all the things that you did for me and all the little things I've done independently did if for you. I didn't know that I'll always be yours. I'm sorry, I didn't know! I thought we still had time.Who am I going to see when I'm at the altar at my wedding? Who's going to watch the kids? Whose genes are they going to have? Who's going to keep me believing in God? Whose text messages will I be able to screen shot anymore? Who can I replace you with? Who?! Secretly, I've been preparing for this moment for months now. It's now passing, and I'm about to resort to pleading, screaming and crying about the things that I didn't know. 

In walks a nicely dressed stranger. Someone that you've probably been waiting on. He has better hair, posture, poise, charm and knowledge than I do. He can even remove himself emotionally to do his job and say "Visiting hours are over."  All I can say is, "I love you Mom! I'm sorry Mom! I didn't know!"