Tuesday, September 25

"Some pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned"

There are a lot factors that help mold my personality and how I rationalize life within itself. Some of them come from experience, decisions, mistakes, regrets, and exigent circumstances. The serenity prayer tells me to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That's pretty deep, but I still find myself making the same mistakes because old habits die hard. Since I have a little time to kill, I thought I'd write about how I came to be through my life's most influencial people, where lessons are best learned. This is in no particular order of importance and some people are more random than others.

Jonathan - He's my best cousin who resides in Indianapolis. For some reason, nothing seems to bother him. When bad happens he doesn't react, at all! He's the epiphany of being calm, cool, and collective. Problems are small to him and just a part of life it seems. I learn, well am learning, to treat it that way. Not to see that someone else has it worse, but nothing in life should make you faulter or lose composure. He's never mad or sad and moves along life's path so diligently. I try to be like him, but always find myself finding comfort in him, more often than never. For that I thank him.

Vicky - She's my cousin who is a firm believer in love. She used to be, as you would say, sassy and a hard ass. Trust me, you don't wanna mess with her. One guy, that's all she needed to sweep her off her feet and alter her personality forever. Although we have our biased opinions, when it comes down to it she's always got my back and supports my endeavors. She compliments me in desperate times, but also scorns me when I have tactics. We tease each other about being weaksauce sometimes, well all the time. I guess it comes from her own experience. Thank you for knowing me so well and calling me out on my shit, but supporting me when I need it.

Dad - You taught me how to dress, to be goal orientated, to respect every one, to have manners, and treat customers well. But you also taught me how to be a bastard, to not have a father. I now know how it feels to be betrayed by a hero. I'm hoping that going to church will help me forgive you, because I know it is what my mother would like. I cannot understand your actions and mindframe for the past 4 years. So to my hero, you've taught me people can change. I honestly appreciate the lessons that you've taught me, but I can no longer be by example. Thank you for fcuking me over once in my life, which just happened to be the most pivotal. Sorry for not being able to forgive you because God knows I want to.

Priscilla - Nothing ever hurt like you. We could hold the longest conversation known to man, even now. You've engraved a bit of my wittyness and a sense of vulnerability that I still have now. I actually I think I've actually surpassed you in that criteria. I'm glad that we still conversate from time to time. I've never regret giving you a second chance, but sometimes I guess I do wonder. You're personality was superb. Thank you for letting me know how to let go, but still hold on, to friendship that is. You've showed me how relationships can end up, and that nothing worth having is easy.

Elvis and Khoa - They've taught me how to have my family's back, physically and emotionally. There were times I wanted to selfishly have fun, but instead we were stuck watching the kids. I can honestly say that I appreciate it now because we ended up having fun as a family. When my friends fail me, even family at times, they've always been there for enjoyment and bullshit with. Late nights when I'm bored, Elvis' house is always open for company and fun. Probably gained the most weight over there since we always eat late at night. I know this comes off as a surpise, but thank y'all for letting me know the importance of family and that's all I ever needed.

Hien - He holds up so well even if/when he's emotional wreck. I've watch and learned to become like that, to not show emotions and not need a shoulder. And no matter what happens to him, he's as benevolent as the translation of his name. Hien means nice. When there were times I would be frustrated, he shows mercy on the other. He gives benefit and never sugarcoats anything. He taught me how to say fcuk it when necessary, and also to let my pride down. I try to let go of beefs because of him; I don't know if he knows it. To show mercy on my enemies because there's a possibility that everyone can coexist. Thank you Hien for being one of few who always is nice even when life fcuks him over. You've taught me when I wanted to be in the in-crowd that I could be myself, and people would like me.

Tiffany and Taylor (my brother and sister) - I've spoken about them before and how much better they are than me. It still holds true. I'll admit that I am more selfish than they are. Over the years, I've been trying to turn a new leaf when it comes to giving anyone my last of anything. Money and material come and go, so they showed me, in more ways than one, that our relationship goes a lot further than disposable items. Thank y'all for teaching me of unselfishness.

Kha - We're competitive. I didn't know I had poor sportsmanship and a bad temper when it comes to sports. One time you told me that the only time I get mad is during competitive sports. So I've been trying to not to take competition so serious, because the relationship between teammates should mean more than a W. So nowadays, I don't mind losing at all. I might have just been accustomed to losing. You point out all my flaws, especially about being picky and the scrutiny I have when nitpicking people and things. You've confronted me about my fighting problems, and I keep having to say I know I fcuked up. Sorry. However, thank you, for being real with me and showing me how to be strong physically with your 11% kidney. Also, for showing me that I don't have to prove anything to anyone.

Nansay - You always have my back. I kinda hate it from time to time. You justify my actions when sometimes there are no reasons for my mistakes at all. When I know I'm wrong you blame it on my circumstances. -_- Don't be mistaken, you do tell me when I mess up badly. Better stop calling me a little bitch. I guess watching you grow and doing activities that you like always set you apart. I've always loved you for that. You hang with people you want, do only thing that you love, and have faith in humankind. It's been a long time coming now and I've loved you for sometime. You're an unconditional friend and taught me the meaning of indulging in the arts. Not many can dance as well as you can, exemplifying greatness. You've been to every performance that I've ask you to come to. Thank you for always understanding me and unknowningly justifying my actions, even when deemed unnecessary. I feel like a bad friend around you, but having you around shows that I can be one day.

Mom - I'm not going to talk about her now because I know I'll write a book about her one day. However, I will say that she's endured more than anyone could have in their lifetime, but still has faith in God and mankind. Will write about her more indepth soon.

Avondale - This is my neighborhood. Because of this place I've grown a sense of pride, both good and bad. I've been in more fights in my years than I should have. Most of them were avoidable, probably all were to be honest. But I'm glad that I'm defensive when it comes to people I care about. It's a hood thing. Here I learned not to let people talk or treat you as if they're over you. It's loyalty. Even if I stay away from the community, I still have that defensiveness that urges me to take hits for others than for them to. If I know you and care about you, I will fight for you, hands down. It may seem naive and too proud, but sometimes having pride shows you have passion and love for one another. Most people don't understand that. I'm not proud of fighting and always regret it, but I'll never regret defending someone, physically or in any other manner. That is what Avondale taught me.

Mike- You know what the fcuk it is. We lifers mtfer.

If you're not on here I haven't forgot about you; you'll probably just go in my autobiography. =P. You don't test faithfulness. It's death before dishonor fam.

Tuesday, September 4

What's Eating Travis Tran

Some days I'll wake up and decide whom I will be. Maybe I'll be Travis the kind, Travis the joker, Travis the selfish, Travis the poet, Travis the fighter, Travis the sensitive, Travis the hurt, Travis the insecure, Travis the obnoxious, Travis the intoxicated, Travis the considerate or Travis the vindictive. Sometimes it's just difficult to be Travis the writer. There's parts of me that I'll never understand, like the way I act or react. This may sound like a tween's xanga blog, but just remember the next time you're asking why I did something, I'm probably asking myself the same thing. 2006 was a tough year for me, and since then I've been blacking out moments of my life, making every mistake a new one. I never have my shit together, and I never will. Lately I've been lazy, blaise and afraid Travis. Love the scars that'll become. Post Script: If you stay on your feet, I'll keep posting.

Monday, September 3

Hi Sk00

It’s 4:24 A.M. August 29, 2012 and I’m in a house without electricity with my only friend Hurricane Isaac. I’ve just had the one of the greatest dream I’ve had in awhile. What I can remember from the dream was getting out a car that wasn’t mine, going into a classroom on the second floor, and seeing some of my senior classmates. All of the elements that didn’t match with L.W. Higgins High School, it being only one story, didn’t matter. Seeing my classmates put me in place; I was home. I almost cried walking to class knowing that it was my last year. High School was my love. Almost everyone wanted it to end every day, but me, I think I recall that I was there on senior skip day. It wasn’t the education that kept me there or the hot girl sitting in the third row, whom I never got to courage to talk to. It was the simplicity, the familiarity. I was much more comfortable back then, maybe not as confident. I knew teachers, I knew students, and most of all I didn’t know myself. That was exciting. Because now that I know myself well enough, I feel boring. Knowing every thing is boring. Where is the excitement in the unknown? I remember when I walked into that classroom, there was Crystal Flemings, sherry tanner, Bryant Addison, Titus (I can’t remember his last name or that’s just what he went by). High school was love. It was where you could go all the way to Bogolusa with the football team, cheerleaders, and leadership just to be rejected by a person you would have to see every day. That was me, by the way. It’s funny that I can remember bad times more than I can remember the good. I The reason that is, I guess, is that the good times were the norm. Bits and pieces make me smile, hardly ever regretful. I could bombard you with memories, but I’ll save you the time. I was single back then, worst case of acne I swear. But not one day have I ever felt alone. Now everyone makes me feel alone. Everyone has moved on from high school. I don’t think I ever have. I’ve tried to replace it with college and there after. It’s a love story wrapped in a yearbook that I didn’t get. Seven years ago I nearly didn’t come back to my first love, high school. Time to look at some picture, listen to trip music, and charge my phone before my computer dies. #ForeverNostalgic “Let’s forget our sense of trace in time. You don’t have to say goodbye, leave me in the morning light. You don’t have to say forever tonight.”