Wednesday, May 26

Sixth Sense - Awareness

My thoughts and actions have been a little na├»ve lately, as stated in the previous two posts. I’ve tried a few outs and rashly acted off of impulses just to suit my own welfare. Acting as if it were indebted to me, as if I’ve been treated unjustly. But it isn’t, and I haven’t been treated unfair enough. I mistook chance for opportunity. Being so absentminded and ignorant goes against what I stand for, and God knows I don’t deserve the right of indulgence. Don’t try to critique me; I’m better at it. And this is under no circumstance a proclamation of epic change to come. It’s a declaration that I know what I’m doing is wrong, and I am trying to conform or integrate these changes into my system. In the end, I’ll have to burn bridges and sever ties with the habitual downfalls. I’ll admit to being a little nostalgic and pessimistic. It feels like I’m solely complaining about myself to myself, but I’ll just call it a heightened sense of awareness for the time being. I know I’m being exceedingly redundant, but it is also to reinforce and present the magnitude of the situation. I don’t deserve it, at least right now. Don’t know what “it” is, but I just know.

The only thing I know that I’m doing right, is sacrificing my happiness for the happiness of others. I once wrote, “There’s no choosing sides when it comes to people’s happiness. You have to hope for the well-being of all others.” The preceding two sentence sound similar, but I know the difference.

Sunday, May 23

Hand Me Down

I think I've fulfilled my cravings, satiety. I've got it out of my system, binge. I've done what I can, attempts. Made my share of mistakes, to err. Been too selfish, reevaluate. Enjoyed it's company with every second, memories. I've shown it me for me, exposed. Said goodbye too often, partings. I've knowingly been ignorant, blissful. I've always been borrowing from the originator, at lease. Now it's time to give it back to it's rightful owner, the return. Nothing left to do but go, commuting.

For some reason I think I've been found out. Oh well, I'll keep at it.

Monday, May 17

Research and Development

You have to figure out the intentions of all others. Sometimes to know the actions they do/did and what they actually meant or desired to do. So do your homework because being lazy puts you at a disadvantage. There is never a such thing as knowing too much. However, sometimes I feel as if knowing too much is counter productive. It gets you "out of the frying pan and into the fire." Being too prepared for premeditated situations scares people. Next, setting yourself up is never a good thing, taking them the wrong way instead of taking them for what they are. It's hard to differentiate the two though. Understand others and find counters to support them. I wish I were wiser and that I could control my actions better and have to apologize as often. I usually know the right actions, but have the tendency of doing the wrong ones. I can usually read situations well, but why the latter? "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." Maybe I like putting myself in situations. Making new problems to overlap the ones I couldn't control. And it would be problematic if I had no problems at all. If only my actions would keep up with my thoughts and words, we would be AO kay.

Saturday, May 8

"I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeful enough"

What's worse than people reinforcing you with things you want to believe? Nothing. I was routed for, by some of the best people I know. Seems to me like it's too much information to absorb. If you lied to me it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. But your reminders leave me hopelessly hopeful. Sorry... it's my fault.

Saturday, May 1

"Put your records on, tell me your favorite song"

Someone near and dear to me got me a record player for my graduation/birthday present, the most thoughtful gift I've ever come to received. See, I forgot that I once desire it, but wouldn't fancy myself with it. For someone to remember when I'd forgotten, well that's epic and Nansay as says, "Someone actually likes you more than me." I highly doubt that Nansay, although I doesn't hurt to think so. Wish I could write or express more about it, but I won't get too personal. Here is, however, a little something I wrote:

Look at it makes me sad. Having it makes me happy. Hearing it miserably comforts me. Loving it keeps me sane. Oh, and the record player also does the same for me, but I have the opportunity to see that every day. It's stimulating, at least I'd like to think. I love that record player; I just wish having it was guilt-free, no contingencies. Maybe one day.